I hardly remember my last post, but I'm sure it has something to do with Declan.

Anyway, life moves on as usual. I am glad I had the energy to write today. I was supposed to be on my way to the Safe Clinic near Littele India in KL CENTRAL, but last minute today they called me, to inform that the appointment has been cancelled due to some internal problem. It is likely that the clinic will be closed.

Now, I have to think for an alternative.

I have this unknown 'illness'. One friend thought that it could be an HPV, or whatever. I don't know what it is. I will have to see a doctor to find out whats wrong with me.

Previously, during the 7th week of my semester, I had this very bad 'illness'. I got fever, headache, loss appetite for food, insomnia and nausea. On the same week, I had to face my tests. All fucking 7 of them. Pheeww! I'm a stong 'Laday'''  hahahaha. ! I prayed anyway, and I took the medicines and I live with my sister for a week or so during the 1-week semester break right after the tests.

After 2 weeks of tortures'- I healed up. I am so happy! I really do!

But now, one symptom just shows up. I am not happy. I am worry.
My past is haunting me. I was then stupid, curious, naive, brave in the wrong definition and bluntly Horny!!

Lord please help me! I am out in nowhere- and I can't afford to let my family knows about my bad-state. There is a lot in stake. My study, my scholarship, my face (I don't really care anyway if people look down on me but..), etc.

I am indebted too much to TKS. He helped me a lot. I have no intention to drag him into helping me again, but if he is the only person who can lend a hand at this time, why not?

He will always be in my mind, in my thought and in me.

Relationship-wise,, we are close. But we have to keep up to reality. He has no future with me. Again the age gap, and career, etc. Chris is so much better for him. But what I wish is that we will embrace these 4 months left  before we make our own way.

I have no plan to be attached to anybody now. I guess I am better off this way. ans the most part, I actually am better in controlling my EQ. Yeah, that's the word!  EMOTION QUOTIENT!

 Most of my plan,  most of the thing I wanted to have now,-- I realized I don't really need them. What makes me fulfilled is actually when I value all the little things I currently have.

I learned a lot when I am with him. When I thought I am not ego-centric, I am not selfish, I am patient enough--> I was soooo wrong! I am seeing myself doing all the bad thing I never thought I am capable of doing.

People DOES change- and in my case, I am better in controlling my EQ. I learn to put into practice on how to prioritize my activity, and to control the need for something. (And that something is so hard to resist! Awww) I do need to learn to be loyal. Easy said than done, koz I am such a STONEHEAD!

Well, I need to go to the UMMC- now! I am lazy, and I can't imagine the crowd in the Hospital, but I have to go for some check-up!

At this time in life, I will be strong! I have no choice- I need to be healthy.



Johnben

Declan is getting married in UK :(

Yes.

He told me about him 'already moved on' but I didn't expect he'll get married soon.

GOD knows how- heart broken I am. I know we never met in real life, but I had the plan. After 'losing' with TKS, I shifted to Declan, koz since last time I trusted him.

Then again, I am naive. he was right.

I lost hope. I feel so dry man!  I can't believe He is getting married soon and settle down in UK. He'll marry a chinese lady from Beijing, a UK citizen. I will somehow blesss him. I have no choice.


GOD, I am sorry for involving myself with a straight man. I am really sorry. Forgive me LORD.

I am healing btw. My head is so heavy, I wanna vomit. DAMN!  I still love him, I still love DECLAN :(

Anything that makes him happy.

Night

WHAT NOW....~~

Almost a month from my last post ~~~


1) Working on My driving License.
2) The classes are tougher-- You feel like real studying period, including thorough reading.

3) Uhm,  jealous here and there in some part, and I don't understand why.

I am just tired, I want to go to sleep!

Oh, Heard of some small rumnor of going exchange again, I hope it will happen by this September :)

I have been knowing/ expanding the network, more further  and Simone M, Henry, Joana H, Desmond, some of the peoples that I am actually talking to.Gosh- still traumatized by the fact that-  I really have to study this sem and for the consecutive semesters since, IT IS ALL IN SPANISH! OMFG!

I want to have my own smartphone! Damn! Nokia Lumia 900?  Samsung G S2?  IPHONE 4?  CUAL??J


James is currently in HK, AND LITERALLY I am fucking alone!  I should not be too dependant on him, should go back to my previous state. I can stand on my own foot!  I felt sorry for my ~nahhh~  Negative attitude towards him and the behaviours. I am sorry~~~


I am just that  FU**KIN Bit#h that still likes to pretend as if he never knows the truth! Can accept the reality, but still want to play around with it!  Risk taker, and do not live based normal biased perspectives! 

Oh, that's complicatedly written. :)  I'm off to bed!   Oh Elmer was good! jejejeje

A day In Seremban..

TKS is heading to Seremban to meet up with Ch. They are going to spend a day together. Well, how heart broken I might get, I cannot do anything.

I asked TKS while in the car, "What if Ch finds out about me and who do you live with?" and he responds, "If you tell him, you will never see me again."


I am scared, worried, distraught and all the negative thoughts fill me up. TKS kept asking me whether or not he is a matched couple with CH, but how the hell do I know? What I am sure of is,Ch is such a sweet guy.

I know they are about the same age, in which Ch is a year junior of TKS. TKS wanted to give it a try with him and that makes me sad. But when I consider the age thing, TKS was right. In fact, I had the same thought too. He is not young and at this period, he should be having a real lover, someone who will take care of him, and blah blah, blah.. Early 30's is enough to trigger such thought!


I just added Chris on Facebook, I do not know what will happen soon. I still love TKS for God sake! And I do not want to hate Chris, and I do not want to push TKS to leave Chris too. TKS have sad, he wants both but that won't happen. TKS did said, if within 6 months he can figure out his love for Chris, then he will tell me and ...... I donno what will follow.. LOL

MEN'S Drama.

I thought leaving the house and coming to sister's place for a day to relax will help me, but hey NO! I kept thinking how romantic their dinner will be and how close will they be at night. I am so Stewpid to even initiate to think in such a way.! GOD FORGIVE ME :(

Chris is wayyyyy better THAN me- he is working, he drives, handsome, tall, sweet talker, and really into TKS. I developed a habit to check into TKS'S sms and MSN chat. That makes me officially stewpid and hopeless.

Here is how he looks like. So, I share this with honesty, sorry for the photo sharing, hoping the owner will not sure me. I just want to complete this blog. I need to share how good looing and sweet guy Chris is.

And maybe someday, I will learn to let go, and see TKS and CHRIS living a happy life together :

I am sad as I can be, but this will pass.  Adios Amigos :(

I don't want to see the MSN or SMS ever... but how sad it gets It gives me pleasure to know the updates.. So stewpid!

I was shaking :)

I have been delaying writing since I thought there was no major event to write about, but now this one is soo soo EXTRAVAGANT for me.

Right after moving to the new unit in Pantai Hillpark Phase 5 (which means I won't be living in 9TH College anymore for the rest of the semester -since by 3rd year we are not allowed to apply and stay in any college).

I had a good time - so far here in this new house, and I have been considering to fall for the same person again. But what he told me last night, was really shocking. It gave me the mix feeling of- Happiness, Freedom, Jealousy and Afraid at the same time!  Demn!!!

TKS told me that he is now in the process of getting to know someone, a guy Named after Chris. A History Teacher in one of the Kebangsaan schoo in Seremban. A tall guy FREAKINGLY cute as I see him lol! Anyway, they had met once when Chris went all the way from Seremban to JB. And he will come again to KL for a convention or something and will be staying for 3 days with his friend. TKS and HIM will be having dinner at Midvalley (a place where I used to spend the time with TKS and thinking about them makes me sick T.T)

Why is it always true that people tend to takes thing for granted and when they are about to lose it- the FEELING GROWS STRONGER AND you feel like it is hurting to leave the person! DEMN for 2nd time!!

TKS has been really honest to tell me this.



3 WEEKS AGO......




Before TKS came here to transfer here, I told him that I had made the biggest decision in my life and that I want to be friend-a super good friend since I wanted to put my study as my priority, at least until I finish my degree study. That means, I will not be in any special relationship with anybody for the least another 2 years from now.

I donno, maybe I am just afraid for commitment? But anyway, that's not the real issue now. I am sorry that I had made such decision. He left everything from JB to transfer here JUST FOR MY SAKE! But I console him that there are many good things that will come after if he transfer here. We can still be close as superduper-good friend, and he will be closer to Chris in Seremban.

(sorry to TKS that I am actually writing about him and Chris, I don't intend to disclose anything confidential or secret)

I don't how to feel >.< I am jealous, YES I DO, and excited, and most of all, what will land for me? Is this KARMA? Arghh!  I am sorry but it is best that I stick to my 'vows' and uphold my study and focus on my SELF-DEVELOPMENT as a person, a student.

Once, TKS told me that if someday he will find someone else, it won't be his fault. I WAS the one who had decided to withdraw myself and remain friend. He was too sad but  he learned that 'not to bee too hopeful and giving 100% of you feeling to someone else you called your lover :)  And he taught me to live clean, be more controllable of my life, lust and all. We talked a lot during the course of time and shared more stories and advices.

At first, I thought he was lying about the Chris guy, but then just recently I checked his inbox- and there you go dozens of SMS'es (first time I checked his Inbox anyway)  from A guy named Chris. Always ended with 'I miss you so so much" lol :)

I am trying to get used to the fact that- I will be staying him for 2 years the least, under the same roof, same room, and same bed so far. I might get a new bed for me.

Hayaa!!- i don't want to stress myself of thinking all and all. Life is always full of challenges here and there. I will surely get over this. One think I know, EVERYBODY IS A SURVIVOR- I will live INDEPENDANTLY of him and work my way to be a better person in life. I need to fix here and there though, especially in making decision, that I need to me more responsible in making one, :)

Thanks TKS for coming across in my life.


Johnben :)

Do I see some improvement in life?

I get to know Ash and Jake. We had a real talk and lunch and dinner!  I don;t have much time to write, I need to rush on my revision for my final paper tomorrow!

A good start for 2012, when I met these 2 great peoples :P We are literally matched in term of personality :P And we had topics to be shared well .

There is another one Amirul coming, so I hope we will be expanding well.

I have this plan to create a dense social network for myself, including linking James to these friends. So, James likes it and so are the 2 of them.

James and I are planning a trip to Singapore for this early July, and I hope everything will turn up A-plus!

 Air Asia is giving away god offer that is un-resistable for now!

I have yet to decide when to go back to Sabah for I might want to stay and work here for the transition semester break. I also have my driving lesson to initiate.

I had a talk with James about the best way he should treat me, and I hope he will not cross the boundary for it may turn out ugly and awkward for us, both staying in the same house.

I don't know where and when to start saving. Money is a must to flow out when it comes to FOOD MATTERS!!!!  ARRRRRRR!